Akatsuki: The Claire Witch Project
by TheWindAlchemist
Summary: Pein and Konan take up parenting, trying to raise their new adopted memberchild: Claire. Awww... Isn't she the cutest little hellraiser? Chapter 3 up!BTW NEW TITLE
1. Chapter 1

**Akatsuki: The Family Project**

Okay, okay, only the first chapter: I don't own Naruto. But I DO own Claire.

Disclaimer… Yeah: This has nothing; NOTHING to do with the original storyline of Rise of the Shniz, Or Attack of the Tobi.

Enjoy.

"Gather Akatsukis! I have the biggest announcement of the century!" The leader called through the halls of the huge Akatsuki base. No answer. "… Is this megaphone on!?" The leader tampered with the megaphone, making those static noises that annoy the living shit Outta us. Lucky for them, Surround sound speakers were scattered around each of their rooms.

"AARGH!! WHAT!?" Hidan yelled, slamming open his door. "WHAT COULD YOU _POSSIBLY WANT_ AT 2:00AM!?" Hidan held his alarm clock. The leader gave him a blank look, then brightened up. "WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER EVERY-"

"YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL!!" Hidan yelled. "_You're_ yelling!" Kakuzu said. Hidan threw his alarm clock at him. "Oh My god I'm becoming my dad!" He said quickly.

"Anyway, I'M A DAD!!" The leader reached into his cloak and pulled out… a kid…!? Silence.

"So, you and Flower-chan finally _tied the knot_." Deidara said. By now, the rest of the Akatsukis had woken up and were now standing at their door. "Oh yeah, about that Flower-chan thing… her name's Konan now." The leader said. "…You're full of surprises today, aren't you leader?" Sasori said, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "Yeah, didja hear me? I have a kid!" Sasori's eyes widened to the size of saucers, as did the others. "Wow, you guys're really in sync today. Anyway… Yeah. Me and Flower-chan didn't do it." Everyone's eyes shrank a bit, but were still classified as HUGE.

"So… you did it with another lady…" Tobi said. "NO!! I do not go around fucking other ladies! I haven't even done it with Flower-chan yet!!" The leader yelled. "So you're a _virgin…_" Hidan snickered. A kunai was thrown at his head. "Oh very mature!" He said.

"Hidan, I gotta get this chapter moving along." The leader said. "Anyway, so yeah. I was stealing power tools because I… broke the ones in the basement. (Out of frustration) And I happened to find 'Claire'…" The leader explained. "'claire'?" Itachi asked. "Hey, you will address her with a capital C!" The leader said sternly. Itachi sighed. "Where _is_ 'Claire'?" It was then that the leader noticed that he was holding nothing but air.

Silence…

"HURRY UP AND FORM A SEARCH PARTY!!" The leader yelled. "Search for breakfast?" Zetsu asked. "NO, SEARCH FOR CLAIRE!!" Everyone stared. "Fine, after we find Claire we can… I dunno rob a king buffet or something…" Everyone cheered loudly. "Shh! Flower-chan's still sleeping!" The leader said. "Raaaaahhh!!!" They all roared quietly, the leader joining them.

"Claire…! Claire!?" Kisame and Itachi called, walking down the dark hallways. "Hey, where's Samehada?" Itachi asked. "What?" Kisame looked on his back where Samehada was supposed to be. Except for now. "HEY! SAMEHADA!" Kisame looked around. "Found it." They saw Samehada being pulled into the bathroom.

"Hey! Samehada! What're you doing in the bathroom?" Kisame said fondly, walking towards the sword. "Huh? I found you Claire!" He exclaimed. Suddenly, he was knocked down and dragged into the bathroom. All the while, Itachi's back was turned. Violent plunging sounds and flushing was heard. "Eew… Kisame next time you eat that extra huge burrito tell me first so I know when to avoid you! Sheesh that's disgusting-" Itachi took a step forward, opening a trap door.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Itachi landed hard on the ground. Looking up he saw Claire at the top. "Haha, you fell in!" She laughed. "Claire!? Did you do this!? When!?" Itachi asked. Claire shrugged. "I don't know! I found it! It's mine!" She said. "Can you please let me out!?" Itachi asked. "Nah, but if you get lonely, you can play with this fish man!" As if on cue, a giant drain pipe spewed out Kisame. "He's such a baby, though. Can't take one swirly." Claire said, playing with her hair, bored.

"That… was the most violent swirly I've ever experienced in my life…" Kisame said, dazed. Then he passed out. "Well, I'm going to go find the others!" Claire said bye and closed the door, making it dark.

-:- Hidan and Kakuzu-:-

"Claire!" Hidan swung his scythe into the wall, making it crumble to the ground. "CLAIRE!!" He damaged the wall opposite of him. "Claire! Claire! Claire!!!" Hidan had destroyed three walls. "You're gonna destroy the whole base if you keep that up!" Kakuzu yelled. "So? I'm immortal and you have like, 4 other lives. I think we're fine if a building falls on us." Hidan figured. "… You're right. (For once)." Kakuzu started smashing walls and (priceless) furniture.

"Claire-" Kakuzu fell into a trap door that led him into a maze of tubes that seemed to go on for miles. Hidan turned around. "Kakuzu?" He looked down at the floor where a huge gaping hole was present. "Heh. Not falling down that one. Hahaha… OH GOD!!" Hidan saw himself sinking into the ground. "AH!! AHHH!!! OH GOD!!" He started flailing.

Tobi walked by, noticing Hidan flailing and panicking at nothing. "Hm. Must be a genjutsu!" He said. **"PITIFUL!!"** Madara Said angrily. He felt something wrap around his ankle. He looked down, seeing that a rope was tied around his ankle. He looked up to see the very same rope twirled around various tubes and spikes. Looking ahead he saw Claire holding the other end of the rope. She had a look that asked "Let Go?"

As Tobi, he shook his head. "No!" Claire nodded. "Yes?" Tobi shook his head again. "NO!!" Claire had an evil smile. She let go of the rope, and suddenly Madara took over. **"CURSE YOU CHILD OF SATAN!!" **He was pulled to the ceiling, hitting the various tubes and spikes.

_What a weird guy._ Claire felt something bump against her leg. "Huh?" She saw Hidan still flailing and screaming. "AH! AH! OH MY GOD!!" He screamed. "Are you sure you're an S-ranked criminal?" Claire asked. "WHAT!? I HEAR WORDS BUT NOT THE THING THAT'S MAKING THEM! I THINK I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK!!" Claire sighed, and pushed him into the trap door that Kakuzu fell in.

"You okay?" Itachi asked Kisame, helping him up. "Yeah, I think so." Kisame responded. Suddenly, a huge hole appeared in the wall, spitting out Kakuzu. He crashed into Kisame. "Haha, you got his by Kakuzu!" Itachi laughed mockingly. Suddenly, Hidan shot out of the same hole and hit Itachi. "Haha you got his by Hidan!" Kisame laughed.

Tobi fell into the hole after he was flung into and around every pipe around the base and landed on both of them. "I would say Ha Ha… but we both got hit." Kisame said. "Oh I feel sick…!" Tobi said and barfed on Kisame. "Ha ha you got barfed on by an idiot!" Itachi laughed.

Zetsu was searching in the kitchen. "Claire?" He looked in the stove. Suddenly, it burst in flames. "WOAH!" He quickly backed off. "Uh… Fire extinguisher… Fire extinguisher… aha! Yes!" Zetsu tore the fire extinguisher off the wall and fired it at the fire. But instead of a fire extinguisher he grabbed a Flame thrower, making the flames worse. "FLAME THROWER!?" He threw a bucket of water at the flames, but it actually turned out to be gas. "GAS!?" The stove exploded, blowing Zetsu through several walls and into Itachi.

"Ew… Steamed… vegetables…!" He choked out.

When Itachi finally pushed off Zetsu, suddenly Deidara and Sasori dropped in. "What'd she get you guys with?" Hidan asked. "She threatened me with termites…" Sasori said shamefully. "Genjutsu." Deidara stated. "What'd you see?" Hidan asked. "Millions of Tobis…" Deidara said.

"You're not nice…" Tobi said. "Yeah, well, you're not smart." Suddenly, Madara came out. **"YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S A SKANK!!"** He yelled. Deidara choked a sob. "Madara! That was too harsh!" Tobi scolded. "Say you're sorry and mean it!"

"**I TOTALLY MEANT IT!!"** Madara yelled. Deidara burst out crying. "Hey! You totally skipped the apology!" Tobi said. **"I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU!! YOU'RE A RETARD!!" **Madara yelled. Tobi started crying. **"Oh **_**great**_**! Now we have to deal with **_**another **_**baby…"**

"Oh Daaad!!" They heard Claire call. "Claire? Oh Claire! Where have you bee-" The leader fell down a hole, landing on Itachi. "WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP LANDING ON ME!?" He yelled.

"I'm sorry to say this leader, but… You totally deserved that." Zetsu said.

"**YOU'RE PATHETIC!! I'M ASHAMED TO CALL YOU AN AKATSUKI!!" **Madara screamed.

Suddenly, everything went dark. "H-Hey! What's happening!?" Kisame asked. A rumbling sound was heard. "I think we're moving!" Deidara said. "And why does the hole feel like metal? And why do I see the sky instead of the ceiling? AND WHY ARE WE POINTING UP!?" Kisame shot the questions, panicking.

"Hey Claire! You passed the test!" The leader yelled happily, waving up at Claire. "Yaay!! I'm so Happy!" She exclaimed.

"Leader, where the HELL are we!?" Itachi asked angrily. "Test? **WHAT DO YOU MEAN TEST!?**" Tobi/Madara said. "Oh, this has been a test to see Claire's abilities as a shinobi! She totally passes! Her score's WAY above average! And WAY above you guys." The leader explained. "Too mean…" Itachi muttered.

"Anyway, so yeah. Finish it, Claire!" The leader called. "Finish what?" Zetsu asked. The leader gave them a look that said 'duh!' "Well, we're about to be shot out of a cannon. Didn't you get that clue?" he said. "Look, no matter Fubar the enemy or his henchmen get, an evil villain must complete their plot. Or just as close."

"Fubar?" Hidan asked.

"'Fucked Up Beyond All Reason.'" The leader said.

"So anyway, LAUNCH IT CLAIRE!!" The leader held up a thumbs up. "NOO!!"

Silence…

"No boom?" The leader asked. He looked up. "Claire? Did you fall asleep or something?" He said. "We're saved…" Everyone said.

"Pein, do you want to explain to me why there's a 5 year old toddler about to shoot you and everyone out of a cannon and into deep space?" Flower-chan asked, Claire in her arms.

After a brief explanation, The leader finally said,

"Well, that's what happened.

"I thought you said she was asleep the whole time!" Itachi said. "Well, I kinda left out the part where she woke up and I explained everything to her." The leader said casually.

"So… I'm a mom?" Flower-chan asked. "Yes Konan, you are a mom… I guess." Flower-chan shrugged. "Meh."

"So can I finish this up?" Claire asked. "Go ahead." Flower-chan said, her motherly side kicking in.

"Well men. It's Akatsukis FIRST VOYAGE INTO SPACE!!" The leader exclaimed proudly. Claire pushed the button, launching them into space.

… A puff of smoke was seen on the sun that day…

"You must be hungry!" Flower-chan said, taking Claire's hand. She nodded happily. "Let's go get some lunch." Flower-chan and Claire went out for lunch.

The ship went around the moon, sending it back to earth.

The leader crawled out of the rocket. "That was… Awesome…" he said. "Too bad about Hidan though…" Kakuzu said.

Suddenly a huge meteor crash landed beside Itachi. "HA! IT MISSED!!" He yelled triumphantly. Hidan came fall down after it, of course, landing on Itachi. "Always the people…" He muttered.

"Oh, you're back. How was your stay on the moon?" The leader asked. "I found myself in the middle of the scene where Darth Vader cut off Luke's hand. He got my arm instead." Hidan lifted up the part of his arm that was still attacked to his body. "So, to finish the movie, I blew up the death star and left for home." He added.

"Wow, you saved the universe!" Tobi exclaimed. "Not really, I killed all the rebels… when I got back to base. I was FRUSTRATED and ANGRY." Hidan said. "Oh, well welcome back." The leader said.

"Anyway, Tomorrow, me and Konan are gonna go stop by Hinata's house and… ask her how to… raise a kid, really. So, you guy'll be babysitting Claire." Hidan fell to the floor. Sobs and sniffling could be heard. "Tobi, are you crying?" Deidara asked. "I just… died a little inside…" Tobi clutched his heart.

Claire had a mischievous grin plastered on her face.

-:-

**Dedicated to Hidan's Arm.**

Omake Theatre: Claire

Claire has lighter auburn hair that the leader. Some of her hair is clipped up with a Flower accessory (courtesy of Flower-chan) on her right side. She's 5 years old.

The leader found her in an alley way, decided she had potential to be his heir to the Akatsuki throne. Or stool or… whatever the hell they use.

So when _he's_ done torturing them, Claire will take his place.

P.S. Shniz won't appear much in this story.


	2. Chapter 2

**Akatsuki: The Family Project**

We may need to come up with another title

That's short

Simple

And to the point.

…

Yo momma

Chapter 2 (finally): Babysitting… Sort of.

_AS MY FIRST ACT AS A BRAVE LEADER, I DECLARE WAR ON EVERYTHING!!_

_Everything?_

_EVERYTHING!_

_Everything?_

_-shooting noises-_

_EVERYTHING!! God, am I speaking French here!?_

"That was the new declaration made by our new supreme Leader: Shniz, only two weeks after he was shot by an unknown individual. In other news, Itachi Uchiha's character in Naruto has officially been 'pwned' in the manga. Or at least, that's what it appears to be. Those of you who have read this far without thinking, you have now been spoiled the fuck out of. I'm News Tobi Unit Number 46, currently the longest lasting News Tobi Unit in existence. And this is Akatsuki News." NTU46 got shot right before the camera turned off.

Itachi turned off the computer. "My career is officially down the toilet…" he rubbed his temples and sighed stressfully. "Hey guys, we've just been declared enemies of everything." He called throughout the base. "Everything?" Hidan asked. "Everything." Itachi confirmed. "EVERYTHING!?" Kisame shouted as he was flung through the air from a chandelier and into a nearby support beam (which crashed down, bringing the entire west wing with it. -.-).

"Oh… Man…" Kisame stood up slowly, clutching his sore head. "What happened to you?" Itachi asked. "Claire wanted to play and…" Itachi held up a hand. "Stop right there. Claire was all I needed to hear."

"So, where _is_ Claire?" Hidan asked. "Oh, she was just in the west wing-" massive crashing noises was heard in the direction of the west wing. When everybody looked, the entire west wing was destroyed, leaving nothing but dead interns and Tobi clones. "My god…" Kakuzu said dramatically. "Even _Hidan_ can't do that much damage in less than an hour…"



Tobi slowly walked over to a dead Tobi clone's body. "So many wasted lives…" he sobbed.

Claire hopped over big pieces of debris and towards the horrified Akatsukis. "Whose turn is it next?" she asked, walking over to a still intact machine called 'The Wheel of (the word 'torture' is crossed out) Fun and Happy Ponies'. Everyone stared in horror as the wheel turned and turned. Kisame and Tobi began whimpering because their name slots were the largest. The smallest slots included 'Claire Plays Alone' and 'Spin Again'. Surprisingly, it landed on 'Spin Again', only raising the tension in the room.

Eventually, it landed on Itachi. He kicked it in a vain attempt to switch to someone else. But it only slightly twitched. "Damn." Immediately, Claire clamped onto Itachi's face, making him fall backwards… down the stairs… into the basement… uh-oh…

Once they made sure he was gone (which should've been made clear when Claire clamped onto his face), Kisame took out a beer bottle and opened it, raising it in the air. "Victory is ours!" he exclaimed happily.

One second after all the bottles of beer were opened, Claire burst through the basement door, holding a teddy bear. "Who's next?" she asked happily. Nothing could have compared to the horrified faces of the Akatsukis after that. Kisame and Tobi burst out crying, chugging the beer down their throats.

"I'll spin this time!" Claire cheered, spinning the wheel so hard it fell off its hinges and began chasing the Akatsukis to who-knows-where.

-:-

"GOD DAMMIT! WE'RE IN THE SLOWEST LANE! HEY! HEY YOU!" Pein honked the horn of his car many times to get the person's attention. "YOU! THE BITCH IN THE FRONT! GET OFF YOUR CELL PHONE, YOU'RE DRIVING!!" he shouted maniacally. "Pein, we're all in traffic. No one's driving." Konan said calmly. "AARRGH!!-bangs head on the wheel so hard that it makes a dent- What's causing this anyway!?" he asked angrily. Konan took out a pair of binoculars and looked ahead. "Looks like there's been a landslide. It's gonna be a while." She said. "GAAAAAAAHHH!! –continues to bang head on wheel until it breaks-

"Pein… People are watching." Konan whispered to him. "GOOD! They can learn!" he did the finger and pointed everywhere around him, spotting a small kid in one of the other cars. "YOU!" He made a loud roar as he flipped the kid off, making him cry.

"Hey, you can't talk to my son that way!" The father said. "Oh yeah? You wanna start something!? Let's take this outside!" Pein challenged, cracking his knuckles. "Okay!" As the father walked outside, he revealed that he was in a wheelchair. "Oh…" Pein was speechless.

"Wha's the matter!? Chicken!?" the father taunted. "…I am very sorry sir." Pein apologized, rolling up the window of the car and turning away.



"You _see_ what you do?" Konan scolded, leaning on her arm. "I bet the others are having a great time…" Pein muttered, ignoring the curses from the parent outside.

-:-

"WE'RE NOT HAVING A GOOD TIME!!" Kisame yelled, running down the halls of the Akatsuki base, running over numerous interns in the process. Claire was riding the Akatsuki 'Wheel of Fun and Happy Ponies (with Torture slashed out in red paint)' and chasing Kisame and the other Akatsukis around the base.

"Split up!" Sasori called. Everyone ran into each other. "Split up again!" Everyone ran into each other again. "What's wrong with us today!?" he yelled.

"She's coming!" Hidan shouted. Claire laughed as she knocked everyone away like bowling pins. Hidan crashed through the window and fell from the 47th floor. "HELP MEEEEEEE!!" and he was gone. "OH GOD, HIDAN! SHE GOT HIDAN!!" Kakuzu yelled. "He owed me five bucks." He muttered. "KAKUZU! BEHIND YOU!!" Deidara shouted. Kakuzu got crushed by the spinning wheel (of fun and happy ponies with torture slashed out in red paint) making a small 'blech' sound as he was squished into the ground.

"Three down, Five to go!" Claire cheered. Immediately black tentacle shadows began to appear behind her. "She's a demon!" Kisame yelled.

-:-

Pein sighed in his seat. "I'm really jealous of those guys right now. Them being alone with a cute innocent child with no evil intentions whatsoever… must be heaven." He said.

-:-

"THIS IS HELL!!" Deidara shouted, ducking for cover behind a piece of broken ceiling. Kisame was taken out the second we switched to the scene with Pein. Up there. That small paragraph with Pein's name in it. Yeah. Anyway…

"Where did those tentacles come from!?" Deidara asked. "From the _deepest depths of her black heart…_" Sasori hissed dramatically. They watched in horror as Zetsu was taken from his hiding place by another piece of debris. He was ripped in half longways by the tentacles. "Wow. This is the most agonizing thing I've ever had to endure. Ever. It's so painful that I can't express how it feels with my face." Zetsu said as his two halves fell to the floor.

Suddenly, a door slammed open and a pile of blue hair walked over to a surprisingly-still-intact refrigerator and took out a beer. It walked back to where it came from, waving at Deidara and Sasori as the door closed. "Wh…Who is that guy?" Deidara asked.

He saw Sasori being picked up by one of the tentacles. "WAAAAAAAAAHHH!!" he screamed. The tentacle threw him around, spun him around and played jump rope with the wires in his stomach for Claire. When the job was done she tossed him into another room filled with giant spiders.



"Hi sempai!" Tobi said. "WHAT THE- Where have you been!?" Deidara asked. "Underneath the floorboards. It's very dusty." He coughed. "I guess it's just you and me!" Tobi said happily as Deidara curled into a ball.

-:- With Pein -:-

"Ugh…" Pein saw a car moving forward in the corner of his eye. "Hey…" It wasn't a fast pace, but traffic was moving. "TRAFFIC'S MOVING! We're moving! Konan, look we're-!" The engine suddenly burst as Pein started the car. Konan rolled up the window as Pein began screaming his head off in anger. She slowly moved the camera to look at something else as Pein exploded. Literally.

"Grrh…" As Pein pulled himself together, he asked Konan, "What do we do now?" Konan shrugged. "We can always walk." She said, opening the door to the car. "Are you shittin' me!? Konoha is 27 miles away!" Pein yelled, watching Konan begin to walk away. "You got any better ideas?" Konan asked, waiting for him in front of the car. Lazily and reluctantly, Pein stepped out of the car only to be run over by another one.

"GRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!" he yelled in anger. He started chasing after the car. Using some awesome-ninja-action, he jumped on the roof of the car and started pestering the driver through the open window. "I KILL YOU!! I _KILL_ YOU!!" he shouted, clawing at the driver. The car swerved off the cliff and into a canyon, exploding as it hit the ground.

Konan raised an eyebrow at the sight. Shrugging, she continued walking, expecting Pein to catch up. Eventually, he did, panting heavily as he tried to keep his burned and ripped cloak over his shoulders. "What's up?" Konan asked casually, not even glancing at him as she walked. "WHY DIDN'T YOU WAIT FOR ME!?" Pein asked, annoyed.

-:- With The Akatsuki (Well, what's left of them…) -:-

"Okay, Tobi. Here's what we do. You flank left while I distract her. Knock her out and stuff her in a bowling ball bag and stuff her in the heavy-duty closet." Deidara instructed. He walked across the stage that Claire surprisingly didn't notice. His audience was a large amount of Tobi clones and Interns. "I understand that many of you may not make it back. Actually… all of you might not make it back. But I know that all of you are willing to sacrifice yourselves to-"

"Sacrifice!? That wasn't part of the deal! We don't' wanna die!" A Tobi clone shouted out. "Look, the leader's gone now and I'm the closest thing you've got! Now who's with me!?" Deidara asked dynamically. A dynamic tomato smashed into his face, starting a small revolt with the crowd. Suddenly a safe was thrown at Deidara. "STUFF CLAIRE IN THAT YOURSELF, YOU DOUCHE!!" the person yelled. "Aw come on guys… woah!" Deidara ducked to avoid an anvil being thrown at him. "Okay guys, seriously. I could have died!" he yelled. "THAT'S THE POINT!"

"Who votes Tobi to be the new leader!?" An intern shouted. "WHICH ONE!?" The Tobi crowd asked. "FIGHT TO THE DEATH!!" NOT. AS. PLANNED.



Deidara backed away off the stage only to be flung across the room… right in front of Claire.

"Hello, Deidara-nii-san! **Wanna play!?**" He could have sworn that the last part was said in an evil man-voice. His eye twitched as a tentacle wrapped around him and flung him into the air. Another tentacle knocked him into the wall.

Claire looked around and frowned. "Aw… No one's left to play…" she pouted. The Tobis had all killed each other and the interns escaped. Except for the original Tobi that we all know and love (to torture). "Oh that was _some party…_" He said groggily, rubbing a sore spot on his head as he rose from all the rubbish. Just when he looked up, a tentacle smashed him into the ground, pounding him like a hammer. Tobi popped up in another corner of the room. "Hey! That wasn't nice!" he yelled. The tentacle hit him again. He popped up on another part of the room. "Quit it!" he whined as the tentacle tried to smash him again. Thus begins the game, Whack-A-Tobi. You'd all love to play.

-:-With Pein-:-

"Oh God… We're finally at the gates of Konoha!" Pein said happily, crawling on the ground. Konan was sitting on him cross-legged. "Will you_ please_ get off!?" Pein shouted. "Fine. You're a _horrible_ taxi. There were bumps _everywhere_!" Konan complained. Ah, Pein stopped moving.

"Aw man I can't believe you passed out after just that." Konan started kicking Pein all the way to Hinata's house. When he woke up he was kicked in the face. "Ow… why!?" he asked. "It was fun." Konan answered. "Hey! The Hyuga Mansion! We're here!" Pein cheered, standing up.

"Guard, I _demand_ that you let me see Hinata Hyuga or I swear to god I'll fuck you up so bad your own _mother_ won't recognize you!" Pein growled at the guard at the gate. "I-I'm sorry sir, but I can't…" The guard answered. "Why… NOOOT!?" Pein grew three times his size and glared at the guard. "SH-She was going to pick up her boyfriend at the Akatsuki base!!" The guard backed away a bit. Pein shrunk down to normal size. "Th-The base?" he started crying. Konan took out a crowbar and knocked Pein out cold.

"Thank you very much, sir. We'll be leaving you alone now. TAXI!" She called. Immediately a car screeched to a stop in front of them and they drove off.

"Who was that?" Hinata asked, poking her head out the door. "No one." The guard sneered. "Well, I'm gonna go visit my boyfriend now." Hinata put on her jacket and left. "See you later!" The guard called, waving to her. "Bye!"

-:- With the Akatsuki -:-

Hinata somehow made it to the Akatsuki base before Pein and Konan did, looking around at the destruction. She saw Deidara embedded on the wall to her right. "Oh my goodness!" She cried, peeling him off the wall. "Oh god… it's terrible… she destroyed everything… all of them… gone!" Deidara said groggily. "Is Konan mad?" Hinata asked. "Blue hair… clear eyes… hey, you look like my girlfriend!" Deidara sounded drunk.



He swayed from side to side. "Are you alright?" Hinata asked, gripping his shoulder to keep him steady. "No I'm not… she killed everything…" Deidara muttered, leaning on what was left of the wall. "Konan?" Hinata inquired. "No… much worse…" Deidara said darkly. "Worse than Konan when she's mad?" Deidara nodded. They heard a crashing sound in the next room. "It's her." He said dramatically.

Hinata followed the noise to someone's bedroom. Right when she opened the door, Claire's tentacle-monster disappeared, letting her fall onto the bed in the room. "Oh my god…" Hinata saw that Tobi's head was smashed into the ground. "Aww…" Hinata smiled at the small child curled into a ball on the bed. "How precious!" She gushed. "Yeah… precious…" Deidara muttered angrily, leaning on the doorframe.

"WHAT THE F—K HAPPENED!?" Pein shouted, falling to his knees in front of what was left of his base. (his beautiful, beautiful base.) "Who did this? The first person I see will be the person I blame –whom of which will be punished mercilessly regardless of whether or not they are the real culprits." Pein growled, getting up. Just then, Hidan, who was just finishing his long fall from the 47th floor landed in front of them. He looked up. "What's up, leader?" he said casually. Pein growled at him, glaring daggers.

-:- The next day -:-

Hinata was teaching Pein and Konan on how to be okay parents. Pein was using Hidan as a vent for anger whenever he got a question wrong. It was really bad, because the questions were mostly answered correctly by Konan. And really, it was pathetic that they had to ask for guidance from a 15 year old. (tsk, tsk.)

Deidara was out cold for the week, along with most of everyone else who was in the infirmary bandaged like mummies. So much so that they looked more like bandaged eggs than humans. And Poor Itachi had to clean everything else, since the most damage done to him was a big bump to the head that knocked him out in the first place.

The Tobi clones, which everyone thought they got rid of in the huge riot, were actually accidentally cloned again when Tobi discovered the not-so-destroyed cloning machine in the basement. As for the interns… (moment of silence for the loss).

-:- End of Chapter 2-:-

Next Time: Akatsuki Goes to the Beach (maybe)!!

Really, it _is _pathetic…

P.S: Sorry for the terrible inactiveness of this story. We've been working on other things and I've been working on some other things and some other things have kept us busy and my brain hurts from writing all this and… x.x

Alright, so my teacher was spazzing out during class a few days ago. She told us to be quiet so we whispered instead when we talked. Apparently we weren't being quiet enough so she yelled at us. Then 

we lowered our voices so that we were barely audible and STILL she yelled at us. "BE QUIET!! I am deeply disturbed about the noise levels in this classroom! Calm down, all of you!" I bet we were all thinking _"You calm down, bitch!"_ haha sorry that was a random story XD


	3. Chapter 3

ATTENTION READERS!! This EPICLY (confusing) STORY IS NOW UNDER A NEW (alias) TITLE!!

**AKATSUKI: THE CLAIRE WITCH PROJECT**

Y-You know… because… Claire's like a witch and it's a sort of experiment for Konan and Pein to take up parenting and stuff and it's Akatsuki and…

ANYWAY, THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE EPIC SO SCREAM YOUR BRAINS OUT!!

But read this first. Like, the chapter. Then scream your brains out from the ULTIMATE EPIC WIN THIS IS MADE OUT OF!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA –cough hack cough- AHAHAHAHAHAHA –sudden barfing-

So yeah.

_**IT BEGINS NOW**_

In the third chapter.

I like fudge.

This sentence is to just waste five seconds of your life to wait for this EPICLY AWESOME –is shot-

Epic… win… -dies-

**Akatsuki: The Claire Witch Project**

Chapter Three: Epic (a.k.a. At the Beach)

_ATTENTION ALL CAPTAINS!_

_PLEASE REPORT TO THE MAIN MEETING PLACE OF WHICH I FORGOT THE NAME OF_

_YOU KNOW THE PLACE WE ALWAYS GATHER TO TALK ABOUT STUFF_

…_HOW ARE YOU?_

_WHATEVER JUST GET OVER HERE NOW BECAUSE I'M FREAKING OUT OVER HERE._

_AND I'M LONELY._

"…"

In a matter of minutes, all the Soul Reaper captains were gathered neatly in the meeting hall.

"There has been a great disturbance in the great spiritual… thing!" General Yamamoto (Yama because… Yama :D) announced, an overhead screen appearing behind him. "What is it this time?" Byakuya asked. The screen showed Pein's group of Akatsukis. "The Akatsuki, Pein's group. Big surprise." Yama (LOL) said in a serious tone.

"So what's the problem with them?" Hitsugaya asked. "This child has been taken in and being raised as a villain by Pein and… his scary-looking girlfriend." The screen switched to a picture of Claire, and then a picture of the three (Pein, Konan, and Claire). "Whoa, they got a kid?" Kenpachi said, surprised. "Yes. But don't be surprised. This child is not as harmless as she seems. Roll the clip!"

In the video, it showed Claire drinking a whole bottle of soda and burping. A harmless act, right? WRONG. A sudden switch to an outside camera showed that the second Claire burped, half of the base collapsed from the energy.

Everyone stared wide eyed as the explosion's shockwaves reached the camera and its holder. After a few clips of static it showed the camera guy cut in half in trying to crawl towards his backpack which was just out of reach. Then the screen turned off.

"Perhaps I should have avoided that part of the clip." Yama said solemnly. "You think!?" Hitsugaya said.

"It is because of her destructive powers that I have decided to assign two captains to capture her and seal her away from the world and beyond." There was a short pause.

"NOT IT." He said. Immediately everyone followed until Byakuya and Hitsugaya were the only two left. "Dammit!" they both said.

Meanwhile, at the Espada base, Aizen and his (cough, servants) were discussing a similar matter.

"So, in order to harness her powers, Ulquiorra, Grimmjow, I will send you two to capture her." Aizen said. Hesitantly, after seeing the same clip as the Soul Reapers, they nodded, heading towards the human world.

And now for something completely different.

"BEACH TIIIIIIIIMEEE!!" Kisame shouted, running out towards the sea (that was a strange green color) with his surfboard over his head. "Kisame, we haven't left the base yet! That's a toxic waste dump!" Itachi yelled at him, annoyed. "WHAT!?" ignoring his screams of something burning (for example, his eyes), Pein turned towards the (stolen) car and grinned.

"Everyone, get in the car! We're going to the beach!" he said, raising his arm (that was still holding Claire's hand) happily. She flew into the air and landed right in between Hitsugaya and Byakuya. "GRAB HER!" they yelled, jumping on top of her.

As they were walking back to wherever they came from, Hitsugaya had her slung over his shoulder. "That went easier than expected!" he said proudly. "I know. I thought she'd try something b y now… what's that behind you?" Byakuya asked, pointing to the black tentacles forming behind Hitsugaya. "What?" he looked behind him only to be socked in the face by a giant black fist.

Claire jumped off his shoulder and giggled childishly. "Kitty!" the monster that she summoned roared, making the birds in the nearby tree fly away. Byakuya drew his Zanpakuto and called out its name. "Scatter! Senbon Zakura!" There was a huge flash of light and the blade exploded. There were pink flower petals everywhere.

Then there was an awkward silence.

Byakuya jiggled the handle a bit, yelling the sword's name again. "Uh… Byakuya? What's going on?" Hitsugaya asked. "Just give it a minute." Byakuya said, glaring intensely at the handle. During this time, all the petals were blown away in the wind. "Fuck." He cursed.

Meanwhile, the monster smashed Byakuya into the ground, leaving only his head above ground. "This is humiliating." He said in embarrassment.

"Why isn't your Zanpakuto working!?" Hitsugaya asked. Strangely, the monster Claire summoned was giving them time to think. "Maybe our powers are dulled in this world." Byakuya said. "It's a little more that just 'dulled'." Hitsugaya said. "But if that's really the case, why now? We go to the human world all the time!" he added. "Well maybe it's because we're in a different dimension than we're used to." They were _supposed_ to be used to other dimensions?

The monster, getting impatient, smashed Hitsugaya into the ground just like Byakuya. After, it disappeared and Claire ran off to meet the Akatsukis for their wonderful trip to the beach.

"…Now what?"

"We wait for the scene to change and then we'll magically poof out of the ground and start devising our next plan."

"…"

-:- (ahem, scene change) -:-

"Now that that problem's solved… WE'RE FINALLY AT THE BEACH! WE, THE EVIL ORGANIZATION AKATSUKI!!" Pein shouted to the world. "Do you have to shout? The police station is right down the street from here." Konan said, sighing in annoyance.

"BEACH TIME!!" Kisame cheered, jumping into the deep end of the water. A second later he jumped out and started swimming frantically to avoid being eaten by a shark. How ironic.

Meanwhile, Ulquiorra and Grimmjow were hiding in the sand.

"Heey… Heeey! They're here!" Grimmjow said, stating the obvious. "Really? I had no clue." Ulquiorra said sarcastically. "He only shouted 'we, the Akatsuki are here'. I never would have guessed." He added. Grimmjow only stared at him before jumping out of the sand and yelling, "Let's get 'em!" Ulquiorra pulled him back down. "Not yet! We still haven't thought of a plan!" he hissed. "We don't need a plan!" Grimmjow retorted.

"Yes, we do! Remember the last time you went in without a plan?" Ulquiorra asked. "…No." Grimmjow answered. "Exactly! You rushed in, got knocked out, and everyone else on your team died! It's your fault we had a lack of recruitment last year!" Ulquiorra scolded. "…Shut up!"

"So what do you plan on doing?" Grimmjow asked. Ulquiorra stayed silent, probably thinking. Or staring into space, we can never tell. A few minutes later he said, "Let's get 'em!" he stood up from the sand. "That's what I said earlier!" Grimmjow yelled. "Yeah, but that was when they were still remotely alert. Now, they're in a false state of security." Ulquiorra said, sounding smart. "…You're makin' that up. LET'S GET 'EM!!"

The two ran across the sand and towards the Akatsuki down by the ocean. But when they reached the point of halfway, they tripped on a sudden rock and into the ocean. They crawled out of the water (looking incredibly foolish) and pointed dynamically at Pein.

"PEIN OF AKATSU-" The water hit them again, sending them farther into the ocean. Too lazy to actually do anything about being halfway out into the ocean, Ulquiorra began yelling. "PEIN OF AKATSUKI! WE, THE ESPADA ARE HERE TO KIDNAP YOUR CHILD! HAND HER OVER IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO SUFFER A HUMILIATING DEFEAT!!"

Pein, however, did not hear a single word he was saying. He was listening to a very loud boom box playing death metal screamo music, making it close to impossible to hear anyone in the depths of the ocean. The vibrations were felt even in the sand, and amazingly the police didn't notice them, what with all the commotion they've caused already.

_Later_

"Stop cutting yourself!" Grimmjow yelled mockingly at Ulquiorra. "Stop cutting yourself!" there was an awkward pause. "Dude, seriously. Stop cutting yourself. It's not good for you." He said in a serious tone. "What's the point in living if we're living a life of failure!?" Ulquiorra asked miserably. "Oh, come on. We only failed one time. We'll get her next time!" Grimmjow said jokingly. Why was he joking?

"Oh yeah? How?" Ulquiorra asked, not expecting an answer. Grimmjow stayed silent as they sat there. "Sit there and do nothing? We've already done that! FAIL." Ulquiorra yelled, the cave they were in echoing their voices.

-

"Hey, Konan." Pein said. "What?" Konan looked at him. "Someone FAILED."

_TEE HEE_

-

"What are they doing now?" Hitsugaya asked.

"Well, Pein and Konan are resting, our target is torturing the crabs with her sand-dungeon, and the other idiots are trying to bury two of their own members in the sand.

"…and the winner is…HIDAN!" Hidan, our immortal zealot was buried, dead, in the sand. The contest was who could die in the sand first.

"…I think one of them is dead." Byakuya said, giving them a weird look. "Oh. Well that makes things a bit easier then." Hitsugaya figured. "No, no… It doesn't make sense. The guy who died was the immortal one." Byakuya said. "How the hell did they manage that?" Hitsugaya asked in disbelief. "I… I don't know."

"Haha! Okay, Deidara, you can come out now." Itachi laughed, waiting for the blonde to sprout out of the ground. "…Dude?" Itachi stared at the sand. Nothing. "It's a tie!" Kakuzu yelled into a microphone. Anonymous cheering was heard in the background.

"Oh hey, I think I see something… the Espada?" Byakuya said, backing away from the binoculars. "What are _they_ doing here?" Hitsugaya asked. "I think they got the same assignment we got. They just ran away with our target." Byakuya said. "What!? We have to chase them!" Hitsugaya was about to run off but Byakuya stopped him. "Give it a minute… watch."

In a few seconds (note: not minutes) Ulquiorra and Grimmjow were eaten by a giant black tentacle monster that was summoned by Claire. "ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR!!" it roared, spitting out Ulquiorra's Hollow mask. "Yay! Mask!" Claire picked it up, but Kisame grabbed it.

"YEAAAAHHHH!! MASK PARTY!!" he, too, was eaten by the monster. The mask fell once again into Claire's hands. She walked to Konan (Mommy). "Mommy, can I have money for ice cream?" She asked. Konan looked at her, and then the mask on her head. "Where'd you get that? Put that back; you don't know where its been." She said, flinging the mask somewhere on the beach. "Okay. Thank you!" Claire walked over to the Ice Cream Truck, And immediately the black tentacle monster came out and attacked it, sprinkling Ice Cream all around Claire.

"Hey! Quit hogging it!" Itachi shouted at her. The Akatsuki were all drunk, wobbling their way towards the ice cream truck. Oddly enough, the monster gave them a shitload of ice cream to get them to go away. "Alriiiiight!! Ice cream party!!" Zetsu shouted, sounding like a total… 'dude'.

Meanwhile, Pein and Konan were talking about their role as parents for Claire. "Do you think I'm a bad father?" Pein asked. "OH MY GOD!!" Konan shrieked. "Geez, you don't have to exaggerate…" Pein said, pouting. "NO, You horrible father, LOOK!!" Konan pointed towards the Akatsuki who were surrounding a small bonfire with Claire sitting on a melting pile of Ice Cream Boxes.

"Back! Back you horrible drunks!!" Konan pushed through the Akatsukis toward Claire while Pein made his way to the Mexican Ice Cream Truck Driver.

"I am sooo sorry." Pein apologized, bowing. The driver yelled something in Spanish. "Oh Jeez, a foreigner." He sighed. "Okay. Me, Pein." He pointed to himself. "You, Mexican." He pointed to the driver. "Pein Apologize to Mexican." He pointed to himself and then to the driver, holding out a hand. "Friends?" he asked slowly. The driver muttered something (probably curses) in Spanish and kicked Pein hard in the balls. (BTW: No offense to Mexicans. Really. Kthxbybbq)

Pein waddled towards Konan, clutching the stinging place that was formerly known as Pein's balls. "I think we should go home." He croaked. "Yeah. Let's go, you drunks." Konan said, carrying Claire towards the car. "And don't forget Hidan and Deidara." Konan added.

On the way home, Hidan and Deidara miraculously came back to life for future torture- I mean, chapters. Yeah. And the Akatsukis all had a huge happy hangover. As for Pein, whenever they hit a bump in the road, his balls hurt. "Ow. Ow. Ow. Why'd we pick such a bumpy road? Ow. Ow. Ow…"

"Oh god… I have such a hangover…" Itachi murmured. "Wait… where's Kisame? I'd think that he would still be drunk enough to let us dare him into being dragged by rope behind the car." He looked around. "Hidan's that kind of drunk. Look." Kakuzu jerked a thumb towards Hidan, who was currently being dragged by rope behind the car, laughing maniacally. "But… he didn't drink anything." Itachi said. "It's… kinda automatic for him. I heard that he was born drunk; his mother drank a lot." Kakuzu explained. "Huh."

Meanwhile (we've been having a lot of those lately) Byakuya and Hitsugaya were hiding in the trunk of the car. "Why?" Hitsugaya hissed. "Got any better ideas?" Byakuya hissed back. "Too late now."

Meanwhile (again) at the beach, Kisame rose out of the ground. "Hey guys I got a souvenir! …Guys?" Kisame asked as he walked towards the road. Ulquiorra rose out of the ground shortly after, followed by Grimmjow. "Where is she!?" Ulquiorra hissed angrily. "I can't believe I'm the one saying this, but _calm down._" Grimmjow said. "No, man! I can't calm down! She took my mask that's where I draw the line! I'M GONNA KILL HER! She's dead, _DEAD!_" Ulquiorra was punched by Grimmjow and immediately calmed down.

"Sorry. I just lost my mask, and now I'm frustrated. Thanks." Ulquiorra said, taking slow and deep breaths. "So what do we do now?" Grimmjow asked. "Let's follow them. Can't be that hard." Ulquiorra found his mask farther down the beach, took it, and began walking towards the road.

-:-

You guys probably know that I'm sorry for the late update… and can you say RANDOM PLOT OF A STORY!? I can't. Just so you know.


End file.
